These funny business quotes will make you laugh out loud. They are perfect for presentations, videos, and blog posts to engage your audience.
If you think having an entrepreneurial spirit is to act all “business as usual”, you will be surprised that entrepreneurs can actually have a good laugh at themselves by passing around funny business quotes.
Yes, even I find it amusing that the funniest guys are often those who have succeeded in their businesses and are living a life of immense abundance..
This just goes to show that wittiness comes in handy not only for breaking the ice during business talks but also provides practical advice hidden behind humorous words.
Thus, without further ado, let me share with you more than a hundred funny business quotes that will make you LOL and later become thoughtful at how strikingly real their “hidden wisdom” is.
1. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be the boss and work twelve hours a day.” Robert Frost
2. “I don’t want Yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.” – Samuel Goldwyn
3. “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
4. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
5. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
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6. “Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?” – Steve Jobs
7. “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon
8. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – WC Fields
9. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright
10. “The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Lilly Tomlin
11. “I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms” – Michael Scott
12. “If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late.” – James Goldsmith
13. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde
14. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
15. “Hustle until your haters ask if you’re hiring.” – Steve Maraboli
16. “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” – Kin Hubbard
17. “The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand
18. “Success means only doing what you do well, letting somebody else do the rest.” Goldstein S Truism
19. “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” – George Bernard Shaw
20. “It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
21. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.”- Lily Tomlin
22. “Bad decisions make good stories.” – Ellis Vidler
23. “I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess.” – Cassandra Duffy
24. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
25. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
26. “Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” – Jason Love
27. “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower
28. “Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
29. “If at first you don’t succeed, you are running about average.” – MH Alderson
30. “Delegating work works, provided the one who is delegating works, too.” – Robert Half
31. “Get the right people on the bus and in the right seat.” – Jim Collins
32. “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade…And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White
33. “The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.” – Joseph Stilwell
34. “If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” – J Paul Getty
35. “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” – Napoleon Bonaparte
36. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas Eddison
37. “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” Billie Burke
38. “Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.” – Karl Marx
39. “The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided.” – Casey Stengel
40. “Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it, and that’s true anywhere in the world.” – Andrew Young
41. “Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.” – Howard Aiken
42. “Business opportunities are like buses; there’s always another one coming.” – Richard Branson
43. “There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.” – Peter Drucker
44. “Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.” – Doug Larson
45. “If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” – J. Paul Getty
46. “Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.” – Edward Abbey
47. “If at first, you don’t succeed, take the tax loss.” – Kirk Kirkpatrick
48. “A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it.” – William Feather
49. “The politicians say ‘we’ can’t afford a tax cut. Maybe we can’t afford the politicians.” – Steve Forbes
50. “Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual.” – Ambrose Bierce
51. “Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.” – Spike Milligan
52. “If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.” – Benjamin Franklin
53. “It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.” – PJ O’Rourke
54. “Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.” – David Sarnoff
55. “Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.” – TS Eliot
56. “The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” – Stanley J. Randall
57. “The question, ‘Who ought to be boss?’ is like asking, ‘Who ought to be the tenor in the quartet?’ Obviously, the man who can sing tenor.” – Henry Ford
58. “Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” – Margaret Thatcher
59. “Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.” – Stephen Butler Leacock
60. “Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing.” – Billy Rose
61. “It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.” – Adlai Stevenson
62. “One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” – Bertrand Russell
63. “Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes.” – Henry Thoreau
64. “You never become a howling success by just howling.” – Bob Harrington
65. “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” – Bill Gates
66. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
67. “Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Polish Proverb
68. “Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a train.” – Charles Barkley
69. “An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.” – Sam Ewing
70. “Eagles soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.” Steven Wright
71. “Few great men would have got past personnel.” Paul Goodman
72. “The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.” Scott Adams (Dilbert)
73. “If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn’t have a job if he was smarter.” – Albert Grant
74. “I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.” – Alice Roosevelt Longworth
75. “Life is like the stock market. Some days you’re up. Some days you’re down. And some days you feel like something the bull left behind.” – Paula Wall
76. “You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Sam Levenson
77. “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire
78. “Whoever said, ‘It’s not whether you win or lose that counts,’ probably lost.” – Martina Navratilova
79. “Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.” – Josh Billings
80. “Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.” – Helen Gurley Brown
81. “Money is the best deodorant.” – Elizabeth Taylor
82. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones
83. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
84. “The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
85. “Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
86. “Don’t tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results.” – George S. Patton
87. “Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence.” – Max Amsterdam
88. “You do not lead by hitting people over the head–that’s assault, not leadership.” – Dwight Eisenhower
89. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” – Oscar Wilde
90. “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
91. “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing
92. “The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it.” – Theodore Roosevelt
93. “I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.” – Joe Louis
94. “I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.” – Ron Kittle, 1987
95. “Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.” – A.A. Latimer
96. “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” – George Gobel
97. “Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.” – Sloan Wilson
98. “If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.” – George Bernard Shaw
99.“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” – Peter Ustinov
100. “When I finally got a management position, I found out how hard it is to lead and manage people.” – Guy Kawasaki
101. “Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” – Max Asnas
102. “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” – Keith Davis
103. “It is a terrible thing to look over your shoulder when you are trying to lead — and find no one there.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt
104. “If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” Errol Flynn
105. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason
106. “Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it.” – John Naisbitt
107. “A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones
108. “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” – Henny Youngman
109. “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” – Malcolm Forbes
110. “What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” – Mark Twain
111. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit” – George Carlin
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The next time you plan to give speeches or a presentation, it would be great if you start with some funny business quotes to perk up the interest of your colleagues and clients.
Not only do they offer a little chuckle and an icebreaker, but they also give a piece of advice that no one would have thought so useful as they are hilarious.
I hope that you end up laughing at all the quotes I’ve listed down in this blog post.
Business success and goal setting are massive passions of mine, and I have many more posts and videos to help you reach your goals so stick around and see what else I can help you with by checking out the links below.
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